The scars are healing very nicely though and once my boobs fully drop they would be pretty unnoticeable. They’re starting to feel really wonderful and I’m glad that I went with silicone. They are really starting to soften up and my nipples are still pretty sensitive.

One of the things that I haven’t been doing much of the past few years is private shows on my web cam.  It’s one of those things that I really enjoyed doing when I was drinking a lot and had a hard time adjusting to and picking back up when I got sober.  I think I just felt a lot less inhibited and more flirty with a few drinks in me and it really did make the time go by a lot quicker.  I would sometimes be logged in for 8-10 hours at the time.  It didn’t really matter to me if I wasn’t making much money I would stay up until the wee hours drinking, listening to music, chatting with anyone and acting all kinds of silly.  I’m sure people on the voyeur cams enjoyed it.  I mean who doesn’t like a good train wreck.

And that’s how many nights ended up.  There were times that I was literally passing out on cam.  Sometimes I would lose my balance on the chair while performing and come crashing down onto the floor.  Trixie would have to basically drag me away from the computer to come to bed.  As my drinking progressed those nights would usually end in a big fight between Trixie and I and one or both of us in tears.  So yeah . . . I had a few good memories of  those days and a lot of not so good ones too.

When I tried doing cam shows right after I got sober it was pretty tough.  I got bored really easily and more annoyed at all the people in the free chat room.   It made me really miss the booze which made it a bit of threat to my new found sobriety.  So I haven’t done much 1-on-1 camming  for quite a while.

A few weeks ago I  started doing private cam shows once again .  I was actually having fun and the people in the free chat were fine (well there’s always a few asshats in the crowd).  I’ve definitely gotten back into a groove with it and hope to be doing private shows on a regular basisis a few days per week.  So if you have been wanting to get some special 1-on-1 time with me you can sign up here and drop me an email to let me know

(Note/Disclaimer: If you sign up using my profile page I will actually get a larger percent of any money you happen to spend on me AND get a small percent of any money you might spend on other cam models.)

After going to my pre-op appointment the day before surgery and trying on the implants one more time for size and balance, I decided to go with two of the same size (650cc) silicone implants. It kind of came down to the right looking bigger then the left (which it already does) or the left looking bigger than the right. Upon a second look, having the same size implant seemed to look slightly closer. So my right will still look  a little bigger.  That’s one of the disadvantages of silicone, they are pre-filled so they can’t make the smaller adjustments in size that they can with saline, which are filled once they are in.  I’m okay with a little asymmetry.  Most women don’t have perfectly symmetrical boobs anyway.  So they’ll actually be a little closer to how they would look if I did have naturally big boobs.

The morning of the surgery got off to a little shaky start. Trixie and I caught a cab from our hotel to the hospital at 6:00 in the morning. Our poor cab driver had just started his shift and was looking as sleepy as we were. He didn’t speak English very well and had no idea where the hospital was. Luckily we had directions with us but most of the way there we were still wondering if he was taking us 90 mph in the right direction or not.

Once we got there everything went pretty smooth. Before I knew it they had me hooked up to an IV and were wheeling me into the operating room.

I remember looking up to see the lights above me and seeing the surgeon and staff come in, then I was out. I did wake up briefly during the surgery and I could feel them working on my right breast. I remember not wanting to say anything because I didn’t want to startle whoever was working on me. I think I may have mumbled something like “owww . . . that’s starting to hurt.” Then the lights went out again. The next thing I remember was coming to in the recovery room and seeing Trixie come in to take me back to the hotel. They made me get up and walk to the wall and back (which was much more challenging than I thought it would be) to make sure I was somewhat coherent before wheeling me out to the taxi.

Apparently the ride back to the hotel was really stressful for Trixie. I honestly don’t remember much of it. Here’s a picture I took on my snapped in bathroom a few hours after getting back to the hotel trying to look sexy but still a little loopy from the anesthesia. They were still really swollen and marked up from the surgery:

For the next few days I pretty much laid in bed popping pain pills & eating whatever food Trixie would graciously bring me.  As she noted in her blog I’m really not that good at asking for help and usually don’t complain about much even when I probably should.  I guess it’s something that’s been ingrained in me for a long time.  I’ve always been really independent, at times to my own detriment,  but I really don’t feel like delving too deep into that messy bog right now.

Overall the first few days post op were pretty uneventful.  It did kind of suck having to sleep all propped up and not being able to pick something up when I wanted to (I’m still not supposed to lift anymore than a few pounds for at least another week).   Not being able to put my hair up when it was in my face wasn’t very fun either.  But having Trixie there to help out was extremely helpful even if I didn’t utilize her as much as I could/should have.  It was such a comfort having her with me throughout it all.   It would have really sucked trying to do all that on my own.

Other things I found hard or painful to do included laughing, coughing and at times breathing.  My chest felt really tight and heavy.  Maybe having 1300 cc’s (3 lbs) of silicone stuffed under my chest muscles had something to do with it . . . hmmmm.

My boobs are still really high, tight and  a little freaky looking.   I’ve begun messaging though them which is loosening them up a bit.  And they’re already starting to drop.   I’m told it takes about 4 to 6 weeks for them to drop start looking normal and about 6 months for them to actually start looking good.  I was a little leery about doing cam shows on Sunday and Monday but I was actually pleased with how the new boobs looked on cam.

I still have some bruising underneath and the incisions are just starting to heal so I just left the bra on during the show and just pulled down the front a bit to show off my oh so sensitive nipples.

Lately I’ve been getting what are known as “zingers” in my left boob.  It basically feels like someone is taking a long hot skewer and poking it into your nipple until it hits your ribs.  So, yeah not much fun.  It’s just the nerves regenerating but I’m not sure why it’s really only on the left side.  The left is dropping faster than the right though.   That might have something to do with it.  So maybe I have more zingers to look forward to later in the right breast.

So that’s a very condensed version of how my last week or so is going.  I’m on the mend and already excited and anxiously plotting some new shoots.  I know Trixie is anxious to take the new boobs for a test drive as well.  In the meantime though I guess I’ll just have to take it easy.

]]> http://deliats.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=571 2 http://deliats.com/blog/?p=555 http://deliats.com/blog/?p=555#comments Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:22:39 +0000 Delia http://deliats.com/blog/?p=555 Our living room has been transformed into a headless  mannequin  wonderland with more bright colors than a gay pride parade (well almost).

It’s been kind of fun (and a little surreal) to wake up to this little set in the morning.  When the sun shines through from the window behind the pink curtain it illuminates the whole room  with a rosy glow.   But there are a few minor inconveniences like not being able to use the front door and not being able to get into the coat closet because the couch is jammed up in front of it.  But it’s only temporary so it’s kind of worth it.

Full set available in my Members Area 3/12 – JOIN NOW for full access!

We’ve been busy building up some content so there won’t be any interruptions in my weekly updates while I’m having my surgery and healing.  Plus I need to shoot in a few things that aren’t going to fit after getting my boobs.  So far we’ve gotten some really cool and unique sets in.  I think this “I Recycle Boys” set is going to be a classic.  I hope we’ll have enough time to shoot a fun little role play I had in mind as well, we’ll see.

The anticipation of getting boobs is really starting to amp up in me.  I don’t feel like I’ve been this excited about something since looking forward to Christmas as a kid!  It’s going to be so weird waking up after surgery with two big swollen mounds on my chest.  Of course I’m pretty nervous about it as well and feel really fortunate to have Trixie there to hold my hand through the whole thing and to help me out afterward.

The consultations went really well.  It was nice to hear a few different views and opinions and was also interesting to see different methods for sizing and such.  One doctor had me trying the implants on in a bra while another had me in a funny looking leotard.

After playing around with the implants a bit I decided to go with silicone.  They just felt a little nicer to me and generally aren’t as prone to fold or ripple.  I have to say that it felt pretty awesome to feel them jiggling around when I walked around the room.  And I know I said I was thinking in the full C cup range, but after trying on a few different shapes and sizes, a D cup just seemed to be the best fit.

They’re going to be close to the size pictured but the ones that I finally decided on look even better.  They are a little bigger but mostly in width.   I’m actually a little bigger on one side than the other, which we discovered during one of the consultations, so I’ll be pumped up a little more on one side than the other to make up for the asymmetry.

After trying  on a bunch of different boobs the procedure we finally settled on is a bilateral breast augmentation with smooth, round silicone gel implants filled to 600 cc (right) and 650 (left),  moderate plus profile, under the muscle with a infra-mammary (crease) incision.   I had originally thought about having the incision in the armpit, but with silicone implants they go in filled (unlike saline which go in empty and are filled after insertion) so the armpit incision wasn’t an option and given the size of the implant and my rather small areolas that incision point was out as well.

One sort of funny highlight of the consultation trip came when I was being briefed on all the things I would need to do to prepare for surgery by the patient coordinator, a rather thin, tall outwardly gay man.  He was talking about things I need to do two weeks prior to surgery like stop taking any blood thinning medications (i.e. aspirin, ibuprofen), stop smoking (no problem here), buying a special bra, making the final payment (thanks Sweet T!) and that I would need a have a mammogram done which is now required by law in the state of California.  If the doctor didn’t have the radiology report by the day of the surgery he wouldn’t be able to perform it.  So I was a little bummed that it would be one more hoop that I would have to jump through that could push back my surgery date and add more to the expense.  But he was really adamant about having it done and went on explaining what to tell them to get me in as early as possible and how to get a copy of the radiology report.

He continued going through the rest of the list of things I need to do one week prior to surgery, the day before surgery and the morning of the surgery and sent us on our way with a little packet of information and the surgeon’s estimate.  So as Trixie and I left the office and were heading to the elevator we started  wondering why the other surgeon hadn’t mentioned the whole mammogram thing when suddenly we hear the patient coordinator calling out to us from down the hall.  He said he was really sorry but needed us to come back into the office for a minute.  He brought us into one of the exam rooms told as that he had made an embarrassing mistake.  After going over my paper work while we were walking out he noticed that I am on spironolactone and then light bulb went on.  He didn’t realize that I am trans and therefor wouldn’t need to get a mammogram.  WIN!  I thought that was  a pretty huge compliment on my “passability” given it came from an openly gay man living in San Fransisco who works in the office of a plastic surgeon who has done work on many transsexuals.  That kind of had me walking on air a bit for the rest of the day.

]]> http://deliats.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=533 3 http://deliats.com/blog/?p=99 http://deliats.com/blog/?p=99#comments Mon, 25 May 2009 05:26:04 +0000 Delia http://deliats.com/blog/?p=99 I’ve been feeling a little shift in gears in my transition recently. Kind of like I’m settling into it a bit. Like when you hit cruising gear after accelerating for awhile. Or maybe it’s just 2nd or 3rd gear or something.

Once again this year Trixie and I attended a local transgender conference. The past two years we’ve only been able to be there for the weekend. We also were one of the couples on a panel discussion on TG relationships. This year it was just us and one other couple, a female to male (FTM) transsexual and his female partner. It was interesting to hear things from the other perspective, especially the shift in sexual identity within the couple. In some ways it was a reversal of what we are going through as a couple. Although Trixie and I both identify as pansexual/omnisexual so I don’t think our own sexual identities have really shifted much. The way we are perceived as a couple by society has shifted though from a hetero couple to lesbian, the exact opposite of what the other couple was going through.

I also attended a great little workshop while we were there on feminizing your voice with Kathe Perez. Kathe is a Speech-Language Pathologist who specializes in voice feminization. I did a one on one session with her too later in the day which was really cool. Nice to get some feedback and a few tips and pointers as well as some take home exercises. She has a CD series, Fundamentals of Your Feminine Voice, that I picked up while I was there also. I haven’t made my way through the whole set yet but it seems like it has some pretty good tips and exercises. I think it’s really going to help me focus on the the areas I need to improve in order to have a more natural feminine sounding voice. Eventually I would like my singing voice to have a feminine ring to it too. I haven’t been playing my guitar much lately because everytime I start to sing something my male voice comes through and it just sounds weird to me and freaks me out a little.

Speaking of things that are natural and feminine . . . my boobs seem to really be starting to shape up. This picture and the one up top are from my latest members update. There are some really beautiful shots in this set. We took them right around sunset so they have a nice warm glow to them

Chip in is all about helping someone out with small contributions. I like to think of it like an office situation where they take up a collection for a fellow worker. I imagine myself sitting in my cubicle working away on a Friday afternoon. Suddenly I notice it’s gotten quiet, except for a murmur coming from the break room. When I decide to go investigate I am greeted with a surprise gathering with cake and mylar balloons. A co-worker cuts through the crowd and announces, “We heard what you were going through so me and the gang took up a collection”, handing my an envelope he says, “It’s not much, but hopefully it will help out a little.” Bursting into tears, I am then surrounded by a big group hug. Then everyone eats cake and gets to go home early. Awwwww. That’s sort of how I imagine it anyway. But since I’m self employed and the only person I work with is Trixie, I kind of have to rely on the old chip in plan or wait for the right sugar daddy to come along So if anyone feels like donating a five spot for my cause it would be greatly appreciated! Thank You!!!

I’ve also been having this strange sensation lately, like something is stirring inside me at an emotional level. I know it sounds a bit trite but I feel kind of like I’m just waking up after a long sleep or the fog is finally starting to lift. I’m starting to feel more in tune. Sometimes it seems like I can feel the estrogen moving through my veins and pulsing through my body. Kind of a faint tingling sensation that makes me feel like I’m more alive. I feel like my whole body is resonating at a higher frequency, where it should have been long ago. Like things are starting to sync up on a bunch of different levels.

When I first hit puberty and my body started cranking out the testosterone my brain was like WTF? It’s like somehow the wires got crossed and my brain started to function differently. Parts of my mind shut down. I became more socially isolated. My verbal communication skills began to dwindle. I began to lose touch with my feelings growing more and more emotionally numb. I spent less time with others and more time on my own. My whole outlook on life was apathetic. I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was or even how to express what it was that I was feeling.

I know that puberty is a really hard part of anyone’s life but for me it was especially hard. My parents could see it and were concerned enough to send me to a shrink. I only saw him a few times and never trusted him enough to talk to him about my crossdressing habits. I think I just thought he would blab to my parents and I would end up getting in trouble for it so I just told him what I thought he wanted to hear; just enough to get him off my back so I wouldn’t have to go see him any more.

When I first starting telling people that I had started HRT a few transsexual friends said “Welcome to second puberty”. I think in a large part this is like going through a second puberty. I also feel like the initial stage of it is wiping out some of the damage done by my first bout with puberty. Kind of like I’m reversing my male puberty while I’m starting my female puberty. So today I feel like I’m close to where those two intersect at some kind of hormonal crossroads. Like I’ve reached equilibrium between the amount of testostorone and estrogen in my body and now I’m ready for the second puberty to really kick in.

Of course there are other factors in my life right now that are contributing to this sense of overall well being. I quit drinking and started on a path of recovery from alcoholism at the same time I started on HRT. So sobriety has given me a new outlook on life as well. I also feel like I’ve been reconnecting and growing a bit spiritually which is another positive factor in my life. Overall though things just seem to heading in the right direction in my life for the first time in a very long time.

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2008 Tranny Awards

Something else exciting going on in my life is getting nominated for the 2008 Tranny Awards. I just wanted to thank all of you who went over and voted for me during the pre-nomintaions. I’m pretty excited and honored to be in the running for an award in the “Best TG Amateur Style Website” category. Here’s the rundown of the other nominees:

It’s a nice collection of sites. I was a little surprised to see some TS sites mixed in there when I first looked over the list, since they also have a “Best Solo TS Paysite or Paysite Operated by a TS” with the following sites nominated:

But they did include a asterisk with the following explanation:

* these sites were selected into this category and not the Solo TS Paysite either because the model wasn’t somebody who mainly worked as a “porn performer” or it’s a very personal website – most of the sites in the other category are aided by larger companies whereas the “Amateur Style” is also for models who run more of the website themselves.

Which does make sense since some of the solo TS models don’t actually have much input into there sites or the sites are run big production companies with fat budgets. But on the other hand a few of the sites in the “amateur style” category do have other companies doing design and promotion work for them and aren’t run completely by the models themselves. So I think they need to refine the parameters a little in the future to better define the categories. I think they are off to a pretty good start though, considering all the obstacles.

See all the Nominees at The Tranny Awards 2008

Since this is the first week I’ll be doing this and I’m feeling the joyous holiday spirit I’m also going to throw in a little sample video from this shoot. You can see just how much I love my satin maribou slippers!!

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So . . . not to beat this thing to death or anything but . . . this is the $5.00 part of the $Five4Friday$ and your chance to contribute:

I’ll be doing two post Thanksgiving cam shows this week on Friday and Saturday. Members can check our schedule for details.