DeliaTS~The Blog

Archive for November, 2009

When I was drinking I used to do things that I would be completely embarrassed and ashamed of the next day. Sometimes I wouldn’t remember things that transpired over a night of hard drinking after waking up the next day. I still remember that sinking feeling in my gut and the rush of blood to my face as I began to piece things together. There were even some black out moments that I never could remember and if no one volunteered any info I was usually too embarrassed to ask. Being hung over and filled with guilt and shame would usually be the perfect excuse to start drinking again. A little hair of the dog always seemed to help shake off the bad feelings, nausea and jitters. Then I could usually laugh things off and chalk it up as having an “off night”. I mean, it happens to the best of us, right?

In doing so I enabled myself to turn a blind eye to the whole pattern that was emerging and bought into a huge cycle of denial. All in all it left me with a closet full of skeletons. I feel so grateful that I don’t have to go through all that bullshit anymore. There are things that I’ll never be able to change and a few things that I hope to make up for in the coming months and years.

The other day, for the first time since I quit drinking, I was hit with some of those same feelings of embarrassment. I made a hasty decision about something without putting much thought into it and someone called me out on it. It had to do with the updates that I posted last week for Thanksgiving and some inappropriate commentary that I made. Looking back at it I can see just how offensive it was and it has been removed. I had intended it to be light and playful and sexy, things that usually don’t go over too well when connected with the genocide of a cultural population.

After first doing the shoot I thought that it would be a good opportunity to talk about how advanced some Native American tribes were in their acceptance of transgenderism. I also intended to add in some commentary on the local tribes and how they related to the land here on the Olympic Peninsula. But instead I got in a rush and hastily cranked out something that was the complete opposite of what I had originally intended.

It seems like I always have a hundred things to do and never the time to do any of them 100% right. So from time to time I fuck up and usually it’s something small and something that can be fixed right away if someone brings it to my attention. And if I’m wrong about something today at least I have the humility to admit it and try to set things right as quickly as possible. That is a welcome change from where I was a few years ago.

Here’s a few pics from my latest update. There’s sort of a Thanksgiving theme worked in there You can also see previews of all my latest updates at Trixie and Friends.

I’ve already been to one family Thanksgiving celebration and a potluck so on Thanksgiving day this year Trixie and I will be having a quiet little celebration of our own. We’ve also scheduled cam shows for Friday and Saturday to keep some of you company while everyone else is out shopping

The 2nd annual Tranny Awards is now open for nominations. So be sure to head over and nominate your favorite TS/TG performers! Last year I was runner up in my category to the tantalizing Tara Emory. There’s been a few really great sites that have come out in the past year and I’ve seen some really hot content from other sites, so I’m not holding my breath or anything.

For my birthday last month one of the best presents I got from my parents was a deeper feeling of acceptance.  It came in a few simple forms.  They sent me a card with a nice little check for a $100 AND they used my new (at least to them) name on both.  Since coming out to them they have used my boy name or girl name/boy name when addressing me and it’s caused a little friction.  So I think it was a pretty big step for them.  Of course I didn’t tell them that the money they sent went right into my boob job fund though   They also called and sang me Happy Birthday over the phone.  It’s one of those dorky parent things that they’ve done just about every year that I’ve been away from home on my birthday (which has been almost every year since I was 18).  But they included my new name in the birthday song too, which actually had me choked up a bit.

An older butch dyke friend of mine also celebrated a birthday last week and some of her friends, mostly older straight women, decided to throw her a little ladies luncheon party.  I felt really honored when I received an invitation too.  It was a fairly small but eclectic group of about 10 women.  Most of them know that I am trans (small town) so I thought that it was really sweet of them to let me into their inner circle and to actually treat me as one of their own.  It seems like such a little thing but it really meant a lot to me.

It isn’t always easy for transwomen to negotiate within women only spaces.  In fact sometimes they are not welcome at all.  It’s even harder in the first few years of transition and for someone like me who is transitioning later in life.  I didn’t get a strange vibe from the other women or feel weird myself in being there at all though.  In fact it felt quite natural and comfortable. It’s hard to explain.  I guess it was just a feeling of fitting in and being a part of  something that I never felt in men only groups, where I always felt awkward, uncomfortable and like an outsider.

I guess all this just was sort of a reminder of how important acceptance is to someone who is trans.  When I finally decided to transition I knew that I might not find much acceptance from the rest of the world and I was okay with that because I had finally found personal acceptance from within.  So lately I find myself being surprised when other people seem to offer so freely what I had to work so long and hard to gain from myself.  There are some days where I still get a dirty look or catch bad vibe but there are also some days that I simply feel blessed.

Over the last month or so I’ve noticed something starting to happen that I knew was going to start happening sooner or later.  It’s something that I’ve heard other  transwomen bemoan in the past but never fully understood what they meant.  But today I get it; I fully understand.  That something being painful erections.

Usually after being on HRT for any length of time transsexual women will notice that erections start to become somewhat uncomfortable.  I don’t really notice it when I’m semi-erect, but as I get harder what I notice is that if I put any pressure on it, like pushing it from side to side, I get a rather sharp pain that extends past the base of my shaft and back towards my prostate. I’m not exactly sure of the physiology but I think it’s related to the suspensory ligaments and muscles.

I was really noticing it the last time Trixie and I were having sex.  She was on top of me and riding me pretty hard.  She also has a position that she loves where our legs are kind of scissored so she is humping me at an angle.  This causes my cock to curve to the side and hit her g-spot perfectly.  The pain from this combined with an urge to come was really intense.  I almost had to stop her at one point but I could tell she was getting close to an orgasm.   So I rode it out and we ended up coming at the same time which was made everything even more intense.

Another thing that I’ve been noticing lately is that I seem to stay erect or semi erect for a much longer time after cumming.  I’m not sure what the correlation is there if any.  But I notice that effect more after having sex than when masturbating.

I think this new development is going to force us to try out new positions sexually and revisit some old favorites.  Last night we did just that and I found that if I come first that the pain isn’t as bad and we can go back to Trixie’s favorite position if she still hasn’t gotten off.  So there’s going to be a bit of trial and error.   I’m sure people watching on our spy cams will welcome the break from our usual routine though.