DeliaTS~The Blog

I told myself I wasn’t going to respond to a rather offensive and bizzarre email that I received the other day, and I didn’t. But I did want to address a comment this person made about me having a “hopelessly skinny” ass:

Sometimes people wonder how I feel about having all the content that I shot as a male still available on the internet or why I don’t just take it all down.

I have to admit that it does feel weird to look back on some of those pictures. In a way it’s like looking at pictures of when I was a kid or even baby pictures. But instead of thinking Wow, was I ever really that little. or Boy I was an awkward kid. instead I’m thinking Wow, did I really ever look that masculine. It makes me cringe a little when I see certain body and facial features that I dislike being displayed so prominently.  Granted I would play up the macho angle in a lot of those pictures. But the funny thing is that I never felt as masculine as I appeared, nor did I ever see myself as attractive as a male.  A lot of the time I felt pretty miserable about my outward appearance.  I guess that’s why in so many of them I am also drinking an alcoholic beverage.  Mostly I have a weird disconnected feeling when looking back on them though, as if I’m looking at pictures of someone else, someone I don’t even know.  And, since the person in those pictures *does* represent someone completely different from who I am today, I guess that makes sense.

It also feels a little weird to me to see some of the current porn that I shoot with Trixie that is POV or “stunt cock” work.  Most of it you just see my dick and part of my legs or maybe a bit of my belly.  Sometimes you hear me speaking in a male voice.  I think most people would naturally assume that it was a guy who was shooting it.  Trixie did say that in the last little thing we shot that my legs look totally soft and girly.  So I think my manly man stunt cock days may be numbered.

I totally understand why most transsexual women don’t like to share old photos or personal information about who they were while they were living in the gender assigned to them at birth. Basically, some people are just assholes and will use that information maliciously to try to de-legitimize their current gender status. Having that sort of evidence floating around makes it easier for those who are intentionally or unwittingly ignorant to claim trans people are “less than” rather than equal to.  Also some people *do* treat you differently once they either know you are ts or have seen pre-transition images, even if they are the most open minded people in the world. Most trans people work really hard at erasing or at least minimizing the traces of their pre transition sex in order to simply be treated like anyone else in their gender.  And in the one brief instance that someone is exposed to something as simple as an old picture all that work can go right down the tubes.

I’m sure I have lost potential members after they have seen my boy pictures. For some guys (and especially those who consider themselves straight) it’s just a hard image to shake from their minds. But I think most people are going to see what they want to see. At this point, even if I wanted to, it would be virtually impossible for me to wipe out all the pictures of me as a guy that are floating around the internet. And since some people do *only* enjoy my guy pictures I don’t feel too bad about having them available for a small fee

My life has changed in so many ways in the past few years.  I’m making a whole new start not only as a woman but also as a sober person.  I try to look forward and make a little progress every day and not dwell too much on the past.  At the same time it’s hard to measure progress if you don’t have a starting point.  Today I have a clearer understanding of where I came from and also a stronger focus on where I am heading. There’s a passage in AA literature about not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it.  Of course there are plenty of things I would do differently if I could do it all over knowing what I do today.  But if I seriously want to be happy and whole for the remainder of my years here on good old planet Earth, I need to not feel any more shame or guilt about who I am and how I got here.  That is why I came out and began to transition in the first place and that is what will keep me sober.

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