DeliaTS~The Blog

On Monday April 26th, 2010 we said goodbye to our beloved Siberian princess Nico.

She came into this world the day before Valentine’s day in 1995.  At the time I was saving up all I could to move from a small town in Michigan out to Washington State. I had a 1978 Volkswagon bus and was dumping money into to it to get it road worthy.  My girlfriend and I were kind of on shaky ground but she wanted out of there as much as I  so we decided to travel together regardless.   She thought it would be a good idea to have a dog to travel with and since we would be on the road for a few months we would have plenty of time to train it.  I was totally against the idea.

One day in late March of ‘95 she came to me with an add from the local newspaper for AKC Siberian Husky puppies: 6 weeks old, black and white, blue eyes, $200.  Somehow she convinced me to go with her,  “just to look” at the litter.

The kennel where the breeder lived was out in the sticks.  When we got there  he informed us that there was only one puppy left in the litter, a female.  Her mother had been deathly ill with something that was normally known as an equine disease.  She must have gotten it from one of the Arabian horses this guy was also breeding.  He informed us that the puppy was sick as well and had been weaned from her mom and hand fed early on.  She was also on some medication but he said it was her last dose and she appeared to be fully recovered.  Then he asked if we were still interested in seeing her.  I looked at my girlfriend and we both sort of nodded at the same time.

He brought her out nuzzled into the thick flannel of his chest.  And there, poking out was a set of the most piercing blue eyes I had ever seen on an animal.   She had a very clearly defined white 3 leaf clover pattern that grew from her stubby snout up between her eyes, these pointy bat-like velvet ears, and a white diamond on her nape.  The fur on her body was actually a little gray and a bit rough from poor nutrition, we later found out.

We both took turns trying to hold her as she squirmed around in our arms.  We asked if we could set her down and play with her a bit.  The man nodded with a slight hesitation.  We set her down, played for a few seconds, then she started to wander away, slowly at first, than as fast as her tiny legs would take her.  The chase was on!  Little did I know that it would be the first of many.

After we fished her out from under the van, we decided we really wanted to take her along with us, nurse her back to health and give her a happy home, wherever it ended up being.  We paid the man, he gave her the last of her medication and we were on our way.

Nico's First Home

At the time I was going through Velvet Underground phase and thought Nico would be the perfect name for this exotic looking creature.

Nico was kind of a crazy puppy.  She was an escape artist and could sneak out through the crack of a door.  While she knew what the command “come” meant, she would often blatantly disregard it.  I am also convinced that when she was on the lamb, hearing me call her name made her go deeper into cover.  I don’t know how many hours I spent scouring neighborhoods, forests, and coastlines for her furry little butt.  And just because you found her it didn’t mean you could catch her.  She could try your patience like no other.

Scrappy Puppy

She was an Alpha dog and didn’t mind mixing it up with dogs twice her size or half her size.

She had a love for all things stinky.  Our first week on the road she discovered bison poop in the Badlands.  She would find a wide variety of stinky things to roll around in here in the PNW: spawned out salmon ( one of her favorites), compost piles, bloated seal carcass, elk carcass, deer carcass, dead seagulls.  If it was dead and smelled rancid it was good for a roll.

Hoarding the chew sticks

Like all huskies she loved to run.  It was really a thing of beauty to see her clipping along at full stride.  In the woods or on the beach and especially if other dogs were involved in the chase.  Few could keep up with her for long except of course other huskies.

She was never a barker but had a unique way of “talking” to you that sounded a bit like Chewbacca.  She would use it to express joy, confusion, a pressing need (like wanting out), and even sorrow.  At some point in her last year she stopped talking and adopted a seal like bark and loud whine when she wanted in.

She had a fondness for poultry.  The first week in Washington we were staying with some friends who lived in a commune like setting off the grid with a community garden, a small pond with a few geese, and some chickens.  Like she often would, Nico snuck away from our friend’s cabin and before we knew it had killed two chickens and maimed a goose.  Needless to say she was banned from the property after that and we were stuck with the vet bill for the poor goose.

There were a few other instances involving chickens as well.  On her last day with us I took her for a walk around our neighborhood.  Someone down the road has a little coop with some chickens and a goose and put up a few benches so people can sit and enjoy them if they like.  So I sat with Nico and the chickens all came down, and the goose came down and Nico just sat and watched them.  The killer gleam in her eye had faded.  She didn’t pull on her leash, howl or whine.  She seemed at peace with the chickens almost as if she were making some kind of amends.  And even though the goose started hissing at her she just calmly looked it, then slowly and casually turned away and we continued on our walk.

The last few months have been difficult.  Some nerve damage in her spine had given her problems with her hind quarter and she would sort of drag her back paws as she walked, especially when she was tired.   She developed a way of loping along that reminded us of an old lady with a walker, taking several small steps with her front paws then dragging her back paws up.  She got into a habit of circling around our bed in the evenings, sometimes for hours before settling in.   She was getting confused and would end up in the closet or waiting to be let out at the bathroom door.

It was also hard for her to squat down and poop.  You can imagine how heart breaking it was to see her trying to squat down to poop, lose her balance, topple over then have to lay there on her side to finish her business.  Of course her tail and whole furry rear end became a mess and she would track it back into the house.    She had a few bad bouts with diarrhea which made it even harder to keep her and the house clean.  When I was cleaning up her last one on Saturday I noticed some blood and mucous discharge.  We decided then that it was time.

On Sunday we went for a very slow walk in the woods.  It was a little bitter sweet seeing all the fresh spring growth and blooms and Nico ambling along in her final days.

After visiting the chickens on Monday morning, we took another walk on the beach & hung out in the yard for most of the day.  Both Trixie and I were taking pictures of her.  I let her off her rope so she could wander around a little more freely in the yard.  I went inside for a minute to pee and heard Trixie yelling for help.  I looked out the front window and there was Nico making a final break for it.  Only she looked like an old lady trying to sprint with her walker.  I had a bit of a teary eyed laugh knowing that we had come full circle.

Making a break for it

She was pretty wiped out by the time the vet and her assistant got here.  They were very gentle with both her and us.  The whole process was peaceful yet emotionally charged.  Soon they were carrying her limp, lifeless body out the front door as Trixie and I hugged and wept.

It’s been a hard few days.  I keep thinking I hear her or turn a corner and expect to see her.  After taking care of her for this long I do feel a bit of a void in my life.  I know things will get better soon and I know I’m really going to enjoy a pet free existence for awhile.

I could write for days about all the adventures we had both good and bad.  But right now I am feeling a bit drained and in need of some sleep.  She was a great dog, a fine companion, a bitch and she will be missed.

Nico 04/13/1995 – 4/26/2010   **   Long may you run.

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Be sure to check out Trixie’s blog for a little more pics and insight on Nico’s last few days – http://www.tastytrixie.com/aging/rip-nico-with-pics/

I think one of the most common descriptions of what it feels like to be a transsexual woman has to be “a woman trapped in a man’s body”.  I’ve never really like that saying but have to admit that I’m guilty of using it from time to time.  Mostly because I am a little lazy and don’t always feel entirely willing or able to articulate my feelings on being transgender.  So “woman trapped in a man’s body” becomes a quick and simple way to explain a really complex idea.

Delia's Prison - my body in 2004

I don’t think that I’ve ever really felt “trapped” in my body and I know that I’ll never be free from the body I inhabit in a corporeal sense.   I do feel like something  happened, wires got crossed, the wrong signals were sent at the wrong time which resulted in my gender being female and my body being that of a male.   And  now I  feel the need to change my body to match my gender in ways that society generally finds unacceptable.

**Note – I’ll leave the first part of the  phrase “Feel like a woman . . . ” for another discussion.

For me the feelings of dysphoria  really started kicking in about the time puberty hit.  I remember being jealous of other girls when their breasts started developing and they started to become more shapely.  I also recall being really bummed out when the other girls my age began to ostracize me from their groups as the binary line between boys and girls began to harden.

Testosterone takes no prisoners and it soon began to take it’s toll on me both physically and emotionally.  I started to feel more and more detached from my body.  It didn’t make sense to me.  I grew tall, bulky and uncoordinated.  I was already cross dressing in private and the clothes that I had no longer fit right.  My facial features started becoming more hard and chiseled.  My hair became darker and more coarse and facial hair started sprouting up.   Inside I still felt smaller but my body would constantly betray me and would move like a bigger person.  I could picture myself with soft feminine features and felt confused and at times depressed when confronted with the harsh reality of the mirror.

I often used drugs and alcohol to ease the dysphoria.  That’s not to say I didn’t use drugs and alcohol for recreational purposes as well or that I didn’t have some good times growing up. I always tried to make the most of things held on to the hope that things would get easier as I got older.

6 years ago, when I had the body of a 200 lb guy (see picture above) I remember feeling completely lost in my body.   It was as if the real me was in there under this thick layer of insulation.  I didn’t feel trapped in there but  more like I was hiding in there.  I had traded much of my happiness for a false sense of security.  I had a body that didn’t match my gender and for a long time I tried to twist and bend my gender to fit the body I was given mostly, out of fear.  Somehow I thought that was an easier way to live but the result was a lot of pain and suffering as well as a little regret.

After being on hormones for over a year and a half, I’ve slowly begun to experience a shift in the way my body feels and how I relate to it.  Things are finally starting to feel right to me.  Though I still have some of the upper body muscle bulk, some of it has begun to atrophy.  Even though I have a harder time lifting things I used to toss around with one hand or have a harder time opening a jar, it makes me happy to look down and see my leaner softer arms.

Almost 3 years of laser hair removal has knocked out the majority of the hairs on my face and neck.  The hormones have also had a subtle effect on my facial features and softened my skin.  But when I look in the mirror there are times when I still see the old me staring back and some of those feelings of sadness or depression creep back in.  That’s part of the reason I feel so strongly about having some facial feminization surgery.

I’m really looking forward to having my breast augmentation done.  It will be the first surgical step I have taken in my transition so I am a little nervous.  I can’t wait to be able to see them and feel them, for them to be a part of me.  I know that they will only be a few liquid filled sacs inserted into my chest  but I think it’s really going to change the way I feel about myself and relate to my body.    I know that surgery isn’t the answer to all my problems and that I will never have the female body that I feel I should have been born with.  But I am hopeful that making some  changes and modifications will make me feel more comfortable, more serene, and  more at home in this body.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I finally have the money to get my boobs done!!! I had been scraping and saving whatever I could for the last year and a half or so. Most of the money that I had earned from shooting with other companies has been put aside and friends and admirers have been really generous with donations.

When I first blogged about my desires for surgery and set up my chip in page for donations I didn’t really know what to expect. I had high hopes that a lot of people would make small donations in a short period of time and that would be that. At first I did get a few donations here and there peppered with a few larger ones. But it seemed like the donations slowed down and I would go months on end before anyone would hit it. I was starting to get really frustrated and a little depressed about the whole process.

Then about a week and a half ago I got an email that started out, “Delia – I don’t think you should change a thing – great ass, legs, cock & the best smile.” At first I thought here we go again, another anti-surgery rant from a misguided admirer. But as I continued to read I found out that this was someone who found me randomly online, really liked the pics of me that he saw, eventually found my blog and claimed that he wanted to offer financial assistance. “If you need real money and a friend call me (xxx) xxx-xxxx. . . Maybe when you call and I pay for your boob job I can tell you some of my ideas for shoots!”

I’m always leery of anyone that I don’t already know who wants me to call them or chat online without some proof of who they are or what their intentions are. I’ve wasted enough time over the years with people who are flakes or have ulterior motives/hidden agendas. Honestly I thought this was someone who was trying to sucker me into calling so they could get off telling me about “ideas for shoots”. So I wrote back to him and directed to him to my chip in page and suggested he start there. Past experience told me that I would probably never hear back from him. The following morning however I did hear back from him and he wanted to know what my real name was so he could send a check to me in the mail.

Okay first he wants me to call (so he would have my phone #) and now he wants my real name (we have a PO Box set up to keep our home address private). Hmmm . . . bright red stalker alerts were starting to flash in my mind. So I wrote back re-iterating my preference that he simply use the chip-in page or send a money order with the name left blank. Once again thinking I’d never hear anything back.

Later in the day, as I was fixing a few links here on my blog, I noticed a thousand bucks had been pumped into my chip-in fund. Holy shit! A thousand bucks! BONER! That’s the most money anyone has ever given me. So naturally I wrote back to thank him right away. It turns out that he had tried to put much more in and PayPal had limited him to one grand, fucking PayPal! His bank wouldn’t give him a money order with the name left blank either (Which is actually how I thought money orders worked until Trixie got one with no name sent to her a while ago. So I’m not sure how that works, maybe it just depends on who you purchase it from.). Obviously I felt a little more comfortable giving my real name out to him after that

He wrote back saying he was sending the rest of the funds and ended the email with “Smile baby, dreams do come true.” A few days later Trixie came back from the post office with special little envelope that contained an Easter card, a picture (not just a dick pic either) and a big fat check for 4 thousands bucks! Oh yeah, and a little note – “Now can you call me?” Lol.

So I’m still a little in shock about it all. I won’t say much about my sugar daddy because he does want to remain anonymous. From what I can gather though he is someone who is financially secure and wants to do something really nice for someone who he feels a connection to. Apparently my pictures brought him some joy when he was going through a rough patch and now he wants to return the favor. I’m kind of his little pet project. Every time he see’s my new boobs he’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that his money was a big chunk of what made it happen. At times I feel really aroused by the whole idea. Some mysterious man sending me money so I can finally get my boobs done. It’s actually kind of romantic.  At times I  feel so giddy about it, mostly though I just feel really lucky and grateful.  I’ve already told him this many times but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough THANK YOU!

So the past week I’ve been looking around for good surgeons who do good work are comfortable working on transgender patients. I’ve seen so many before and after boob shots from so many surgeons that my head is spinning.  I have a feeling I’ll have to travel out of state to find the right person.  That makes things like consultations and follow up care a little more complicated.  I’m sure it will be totally worth it though.  Hehehehehe I cannot wait to get them done!!!

Here’s a few sample pics from my latest update. It ended up being a large set, over 250 pics.

I’ve really been noticing a the how much meatier the back of my thighs and ass feels lately.  I think I have a pretty good balance right now of fat and muscle.

I hoping my ass will continue to grow . . . as well as my titties   They have still been a little sore lately so who knows.

I’m sure members have noticed this already but I wanted to make a quick mention about our spy cams. While I was down in LA we ended up losing our longest running and best spy cam feed. It’s kind of a bummer because that was the original site that Trixie was broadcasting on when we met. So there is some sentimental attachment there. Also they were the only spy cams with an audio feed. Not to worry though, we still have our feeds on two other sites and we are exploring other possibilities for future cams with audio.

It’s something that we were aware could happen, but we were hoping we could work something out to appease all the parties involved. So it wasn’t a huge surprise when I heard the news. Trixie wrote a lengthier post here if you are interested in further details.

I’ve also made a few changes on the existing spy cams that are in my office. They’re a little closer and tighter in on my face which makes me feel a little more self-conscious for some reason. I’m sure I’ll get over it soon though. I also moved the lighting around a little so that it’s a bit brighter. I think members will appreciate the changes.

Today was Trixie’s birthday. We didn’t do anything fancy, just a walk with the dog out in the woods and I made her a special birthday quiche, just the way she likes it. It really is starting to feel like spring out, though I have a feeling that it’s just a tease.

Here’s a few pictures from the Tranny Awards presentation (thanks Willie!):

So this is a little bit of a recap of the evening. It started with a red carpet interview with sexy porn superstar Danielle Foxxx. I admit I felt pretty intimidated seeing the set up in front of the club when I first drove by. But once I got my nerve up and started talking with her I felt a little more at ease.

Overall it was a pretty fun night. Krissy ended up presenting me the award and gave a really gracious and warm introduction. I thought of a lot of things that I wanted to say but blanked out once I was on stage and basically just thanked Trixie for all the hard work she puts into our sites. Let’s just say public speaking is not really my forte. I had a nice time hanging out with Krissy. She’s one of the people I’ve been wanting to meet in real life for a long time.

There were so many beautiful woman there and some pretty sexy guys as well. I think I could have sat and people watched all night long. Unfortunately I was pretty tired from doing an early shoot and not really working at maximum capacity. I’m kind of socially retarded as it is so I didn’t get to introduce myself to a lot of the girls that I would liked to have met. The music was so loud that I was having problems hearing what people were saying anyway.

I did get to talk with Mandy briefly and say hi to her mischievous friend Kimberly Kills, who has really been grabbing the ts porn scene by the balls lately. Felicia Katt was kind enough to introduce herself and point out a few people to me. I also had a nice chat with Aly Sinclair who was mercilessly cock teasing some poor cute boy. She was also generous enough to extend an invitation for after party festivities. But, as I mentioned, I was pretty beat by that time. I think I said a quick hi to Britney Markham and Jesse Flores, bumped butts with Kinky Kennedy Logan and Natalia Coxx, and watched Morgan Bailey do some creative accessorizing with glow sticks.

Standing on stage next to Olivia Love is something I will remember and cherish forever. She is such a classy lady, incredibly beautiful and sexy. The work she has done in transsexual porn will be remembered and jerked to for years to come. Personally I hope she decides to continue working for my own selfish reasons.

On the other end of the spectrum it was sweet to share the stage with the up and coming Amy Daly though I didn’t really get a chance to say hello. I loved her half cocked acceptance speech complete with a double finger salute! That had me grinning from ear to ear. And Hazel Tucker just has an aura about her that glows with sweetness. I didn’t get a chance to say hi, but I think she caught me making googly eyes at her a few times.

It was nice to meet some of the Grooby family as well – Owner Steve Gallon, P.K. Vegas, Buddy Wood – all were really friendly and had nice things to say.

I think my favorite part of the evening though was just meeting fans. It’s so rare that I really meet anyone who has seen any of my work. So to have people recognize me and come up and say that I really deserve the award or they love what I do face to face really meant a lot to me.

So many people and so little time. I would like to once again extend a congratulation to all the award winners and to Grooby for pulling off a fabulous evening! I hope next year is even bigger and better!!!

I’ve been wanting to try botox out for quite awhile now on the lines around my eyes (crows feet) and the crease that’s developed on my brow.  It’s not that I don’t like my laugh lines when I smile or the scowl of my brow when I’m angry.  It’s just that they have gotten so deep that they stick around long after the emotions associated with them have disappeared.   And having a few faint lines around the eyes never bothered me but they really seem to be adding up these past few years.

I don’t think I would really care as much if I didn’t work in an industry where youth and beauty seem to be synonymous.   I’m looking at pictures and video of myself on a continual basis which gives me a lot of time to scrutinize every last detail of my face and body.  So with the Tranny Awards right around the corner I thought I would finally give it a shot.

I’ve always had a bit of a needle phobia.  So the thought of being injected with something made me a little leery.   The past few times I’ve had blood drawn I didn’t have a problem so I wasn’t too concerned.  I became even less worried when the doctor showed me the tiny little needles on each vile that they use.

After he gave me his spiel on on botox and other fillers I was ready.  He had me smile really big and as I relaxed I heard a slight crunching noise and felt the little prick of the needle.  A half a second later I could feel the cool toxins being injected.  It was after about the third injection that I started feeling a little light headed and remembered that it isn’t so much the needles that get me, it’s more the feeling of the injection under my skin.  So I had to take a little break and put my head between my knees.

After a few minutes he resumed, having me scrunch my forehead and hitting my brow above my nose.  It usually takes about 2 weeks for botox to take effect and paralyze the targeted muscles so I didn’t get to see any immediate results.  Luckily I didn’t pass out either and did a touch up laser treatment on my face and pits afterward.

I was a little concerned about how it would effect my facial muscles because I think I have a pretty expressive face and I didn’t want to end up losing that ability.  After 5 days the I have noticed that the crows feet are smoothing out a bit and that it is harder to scrunch down my forehead in a scowl.  One weird effect is that when I lift my eyebrows the corners pull up and out more than the center creating a bit of a sinister looking arch.  I did a little plucking and trimming today and it seemed to help.  The effectiveness of botox tends to last about three months, so nothing’s permanent.

I don’t know if I’ll continue getting it on a regular basis, mainly because it is so expensive.  I think of this as a little treat for me since rarely buy gifts for myself.   The doctor did warn me that it is addictive though and I can see why.