DeliaTS~The Blog

Posts Tagged ‘coming out’

For my birthday last month one of the best presents I got from my parents was a deeper feeling of acceptance.  It came in a few simple forms.  They sent me a card with a nice little check for a $100 AND they used my new (at least to them) name on both.  Since coming out to them they have used my boy name or girl name/boy name when addressing me and it’s caused a little friction.  So I think it was a pretty big step for them.  Of course I didn’t tell them that the money they sent went right into my boob job fund though   They also called and sang me Happy Birthday over the phone.  It’s one of those dorky parent things that they’ve done just about every year that I’ve been away from home on my birthday (which has been almost every year since I was 18).  But they included my new name in the birthday song too, which actually had me choked up a bit.

An older butch dyke friend of mine also celebrated a birthday last week and some of her friends, mostly older straight women, decided to throw her a little ladies luncheon party.  I felt really honored when I received an invitation too.  It was a fairly small but eclectic group of about 10 women.  Most of them know that I am trans (small town) so I thought that it was really sweet of them to let me into their inner circle and to actually treat me as one of their own.  It seems like such a little thing but it really meant a lot to me.

It isn’t always easy for transwomen to negotiate within women only spaces.  In fact sometimes they are not welcome at all.  It’s even harder in the first few years of transition and for someone like me who is transitioning later in life.  I didn’t get a strange vibe from the other women or feel weird myself in being there at all though.  In fact it felt quite natural and comfortable. It’s hard to explain.  I guess it was just a feeling of fitting in and being a part of  something that I never felt in men only groups, where I always felt awkward, uncomfortable and like an outsider.

I guess all this just was sort of a reminder of how important acceptance is to someone who is trans.  When I finally decided to transition I knew that I might not find much acceptance from the rest of the world and I was okay with that because I had finally found personal acceptance from within.  So lately I find myself being surprised when other people seem to offer so freely what I had to work so long and hard to gain from myself.  There are some days where I still get a dirty look or catch bad vibe but there are also some days that I simply feel blessed.

I made this vlog a few weeks back just after my first year on HRT.  I post the longer versions with nudity in my members area and I usually post a g-rated version for YouTube.

For some reason YouTube always grabs the worst frames for my preview. I wish there was a way you could make your own preview pic. My voice sounds a little Micky Mouse-ish at times but it’s getting there. I’ve been trying to do at least a half an hour of vocal exercises everyday sometimes a bit more.

So after initially coming out to my parents they’ve had a little bit of a backlash. We’ve exchanged a few emails and I’ve talked to my mom a few times since coming out to them. They’re still in a bit of shock and denial I think. They’ve done a few annoying things like sending me Christian Science literature in a package with my boy name written in big letters and continuing to send email to my old address (which was also my boy name) instead of my new one (which they have and is also my new name). But overall I think it’s going really well and they’re even talking about flying out here next month for my birthday. I think once they actually see me and we get to spend some time together it will make things a little easier for them to comprehend.

I did make a little video for them just so they could have a better idea of how I look and sound these days. They haven’t said anything about it so I don’t even know if they’ve looked at it yet. Oh well, time will tell.

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance. A day to remember those who have died by homicide at the hand of ignorance and prejudice.

I’ve been asked a few times why I waited so long to transition. Part of the reason is that openly expressing one’s gender when it is outside of societal norms can be a dangerous act. An act that opens one up to harassment, verbal and physical abuse and may even result in death. It’s something that to this day freaks me the fuck out. And try as I may to wrap my brain around just what is so threatening about us transgender people that others would feel compelled to lash out in such brutal and violent manners is still beyond my comprehension. So that fear of physical and mental abuse was part of what kept me in the closet for so long.

What changed? I made a conscious decision to not let my life be run by fear. It’s a work in progress. Making the decision to allow myself to transition and slowly coming out to people was a good start. I still have a lot of fears, some rational some irrational. I have yet to conquer them all and grapple with many of them on a daily basis.

I think part of being transgender is learning to live with some degree of fear. Fear of being ostracized by your friends and family, fear of discrimination and harassment in the work place, fear of restrooms and locker rooms, fear of other people’s fear, ignorance, hatred, intolerance and bigotry just to name a few. Having a few healthy fears is good thing. I mean fear of death is a large part of what keeps us alive. It helps prevent us from walking through fires or down dark allies when we’re alone at night. Transgender people have so many fears and insecurities to deal with. It would just be nice to live in a world with a little less fear. A world where people didn’t get killed well, just because they are transgender.

Be sure to check out Stopping The Hate to learn more about hate crimes being committed to members of the GLBT community and what is being done to prevent them.