DeliaTS~The Blog

Posts Tagged ‘crossdressing’

I thought I’d post a few of my latest youtube videos here since I seem to have forgotten to. One of them is a promo for my site and the other is a pg-rated version of my latest transition vlog. I post the r-rated ones in my members area so people can see how my breasts are developing.

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Most of you probably can imagine that I get quite a bit of email from fans, admirers, and quite often from other transgender folks. I try to reply to as many as possible, but sometimes things get pushed to the wayside and I never get back to them. Or something might take a little more thought to reply to so it consequently takes more time to send off a reply. I thought I’d start to post a few emails here from time to time because you all ask some pretty interesting questions and I do end up getting a lot of the same questions over and over. So hopefully it will result in a little less redundancy in questions. This one of those emails that I thought was interesting.

Hi Ms,

As a Ts,(though at 6′5″ probably a non transitioner) I had some thoughts and questions about you, and your transition.
What role is this exhibitionism having in your decision? Would you ever have transitioned with out your success as a crossdresser? I know in my mind, I’d prefer transition to be something done kind of privately. (which at my size would be impossible!)
It sort of seems like the crossdressing is the vehicle that is driving you towards to a female mindset, instead of the other way around.
Also, what role do men have in your life? At the moment it seems like you don’t seem to romantically interested in them.
Being Ts involves a lot of baggage right? Not always the sexy fun outsiders think.

For some reason I felt a little defensive when reading this. I get the feeling this person thinks that I am some misguided kinky crossdresser that has decided to transition for all the wrong reasons and not a “true transsexual”. I hate it when people take a few little facts that they might know and make much broader assumptions. So I’ll go ahead and answer these as best as I can.

What role is this exhibitionism having in your decision?

I am actually more of a voyeur than an exhibitionist. I don’t get a thrill out of being the center of attention. It makes me uncomfortable. I hardly ever went out dressed in public as a crossdresser and still am not completely comfortable in public situations as a TS. I would say that having my site and posting naked pictures and videos of myself is driven more by an urge to make money and less of showing off for the pleasure of strangers.

For me though transitioning was less of a decision and more of a realization. I had been in denial about it for so long that it was consuming me mentally and physically. For a long time I was able to hold things together, at least on the surface but towards the end things were starting to fall apart. At some point though I had an epiphany and was able to cut through that cloud of denial and see exactly who I was and where I was heading. If I had continued down the path I was on I don’t think I would have lasted much longer. There was nothing I could have done that would have changed that. Sure, the path I’m on now is going to suck for awhile but if I work hard at it at least there’s a good possibility that things will get better. In fact they already are.

Would you ever have transitioned with out your success as a crossdresser?

What do you consider success as a crossdresser? Passibility? If so the first success that I had as a crossdresser came in 6th grade when I came to the school Halloween party dressed as a gypsy girl and no one could figure out who I was. The teacher thought I was a girl from one of the other class rooms. I wish I would have had the courage to transition at that age, but it took more than simply being passable as a crossdresser. It was a culmination of many life experiences that lead me to transition.

There has always been a very clear distinction in my mind between fantasy and reality. It’s true that I run a successful crossdressing adult website. Most of what I do for my site is erotically charged and caters to people with specific fetishes. Most of my personal life however is pretty vanilla. Being successful as a fetishistic crossdresser online probably did give me a boost of confidence at times but it wasn’t a big factor in my decision to live full time as a woman. In fact the validation I got online felt really shallow at times. Working on my site though did help me realize that I really wasn’t a crossdresser at all but something else. So in the end it was actually failing at being a crossdresser that was a big factor in my decision to transition.

It sort of seems like the crossdressing is the vehicle that is driving you towards to a female mindset, instead of the other way around.

Right, this is the old age question of which came first the chicken or the egg. Personally I don’t think it has much relevance. Some people do transition from the outside in and others from the inside out. They are two sides to the same coin. We all have taken different paths on our journey.

I started crossdressing at a very young age as is the case with many transgender people. I didn’t understand why I was so drawn to female clothing or why I would cry whenever my mom would cut my hair. I was a really “sensitive” child and believe I had a feminine mindset at a very early age. Unfortunately I also figured out that that sort of behavior was frowned upon so I learned how to suppress many of those feelings and kept my forays into my mothers closet to myself. I started stuffing myself into the box that society had constructed for me. That lead to all kinds of problems throughout my life, many of which I am still dealing with today. I considered transitioning in my late 20’s and probably would have if I had the kind of information at my disposal that I do today. My decision to finally transition was rooted in being true to who I am on the inside and giving myself permission to make the physical and biological changes I needed in order to feel finally feel comfortable in my own skin. Crossdressing ended up being something of a red herring. It was a superficial sign of something that was going on at a much deeper level. Crossdressing as well as copious amounts of alcohol became a distraction from getting to the crux of the matter.

Also, what role do men have in your life? At the moment it seems like you don’t seem to romantically interested in them.

I have always considered myself bisexual (or pansexual if you will). I’ve had several relationships with men before I transitioned although the 3 longest relationships I have had have been with women. Two of those women came out as lesbians while we were together and both of them are now married to other women. The third one being Trixie who I have been with now for over 7 years. We have an “open” relationship though neither of us is really interested in pursuing any outside relations at this time. I find certain men to be sexually attractive and wouldn’t mind being with the right guy if he came along. But it’s not something that I want to invest time and energy into pursuing at this point.

I hope posting this will clear a few things up and possibly offer a little insight into what my experiences have been.