DeliaTS~The Blog

Posts Tagged ‘sobriety’

The first week of March I’ll be heading down to Los Angeles for the Tranny Awards, the only all transgender adult entertainment award. This is the second year of the award and the first time that there will be an actual event in conjunction with it. I’ve been really impressed at the growth of the TA’s in just one year and I hope that it will continue to grow in years to come.

I feel honored to be receiving the award for best amateur tg website this year and I’m really excited that I’ll be able to make it down for the first ever show/ceremony/party.  To tell you the truth I don’t really know what to expect. I’ve never even been to LA before. Some of the most beautiful women and biggest names in ts porn are going to be there (and probably a few big name non-ts porn stars) and I can’t help but feel intimidated by that thought. Being a web based model on a small independent site makes me feel so far removed from that whole scene. I’m such a country mouse.

One of the reasons I feel nervous about this trip is that Trixie won’t be joining me. It will be the first time that I’ve really traveled without her since just after we met.  Not that we actually do a lot of traveling, but I know I’m going to miss her company. The other thing that makes me a bit nervous is that it will be the first time traveling alone in sobriety. I’ve never been too far away from my little support group here. And while I’ve never really thought about drinking again, I usually do my best to avoid the temptation. I did check online and have lined up a few 12-step meetings for while I’m there and have plenty of people I can call if the need arises.

I know it’s going to be a fun night and something I’ll probably remember for a long time.  Right now though I’m just feeling really anxious about the whole thing.

I’ve also been trying to line up a few shoots while I’m down there.  So far I don’t have anything solid.  One production company did say that they were interested but I still haven’t been able to confirm with them.  I got one definite no and one that I still haven’t heard back from.  And I thought winning a tranny award would make these sort of things easier, lol.  To be fair though the award was for the site as a whole and not me as a model so . . . yeah.

I feel pretty confident that something will work out while I’m there and if not I’ll have a little extra time to explore the City of Angels.

Okay, 2008 the good, the bad, the ugly . . . maybe we’ll skip over the ugly for now.

On the positive side there are 2 huge things that happened to me on a personal level that will make 2008 a benchmark of sorts. The first one being that I started on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). The second was that I finally came to grips with my alcoholism and started on a path to recovery by joining a 12 step program.

They say alcoholism is a progressive disease and the further along you are the more difficult it is to recover. Also that no amount of sobriety will ever “cure” you of alcoholism. These are a few of the things I had to learn the hard way. I am not very good at asking for help in most cases. Most of the time I feel like there is nothing that I can’t do on my own and by doing things without the help of someone else it somehow makes it all the more rewarding. Unfortunately I took the “go it alone” route when seeking sobriety, which didn’t work out so well. I white knuckled it for almost 6 months before falling back into my old patterns of drinking. I’m just thankful that Trixie was there to shove me in the right direction when I needed it the most. Sobriety for me is indeed a blessing and my life is becoming a much happier place because of it.

Starting on HRT was somewhat of a bitter sweet experience for me as well. After trying to conceive for over a year with Trixie we decided to give it a rest for awhile so that I could start on the next phase of my transition. I did however store up enough sperm over that period so that we could have children together someday if we ever choose to. It’s one of those things that may end up being a blessing in disguise in the long run. It was nonetheless a very frustrating process that was taking a toll on us physically, emotionally and financially.

One of the sad things I’ll always remember about 2008 was losing my grandmother. She was a an incredible lady who raised 11 kids in an old farmhouse out in the sticks basically all on her own. Somehow through it all she never lost her sense of humor. She was a kindhearted and gracious woman who possessed a quiet strength and down to earth wisdom that I’ve never seen in any other person I’ve met. She will always be an inspiration to me. She will be missed by many for years to come.

After all that has come to pass over the last year I am really looking forward to 2009. In some ways 2008 seemed a bit like a stale continuation of 2007. Towards the end of the year though I did sense a shift, like things were all starting to come together. Like the pieces were all starting to fall in place. A sense and belief that things are going to get significantly better in the days to come. In a lot of ways they already have gotten better so in 2009 I’m looking forward to more betterness!